...And I Swear.... What Constitutes a Bad Word at Camp

Apr 20

Becoming a parent has truly changed the way that I relate to almost everything in my life. I enjoyed “Toddlers and Tiaras” before I had children… now I cannot stand it. I always took training lifeguards very seriously, but the year after my first child was born I drilled my waterfront staff in ways that I hadn’t done before because the weight of what it meant to fear for my own child’s safety changed the way I related to creating the BEST lifeguards. One of the most recent shifts in the way I think about cultural norms came in the form of a conversation with my wife and my sister-in-law after a school pick-up. My nieces (6 and 9) and my children (5 and 7) grilled my wife, Amy, who was driving them home, about what the word “F*ck” meant. I wasn’t there, so I can only speak from the second hand, but it sounds like Amy did her best to navigate the conversation with grace and dignity, while the four potty mouths began a chorus of curses that lasted the entire 20-minute commute back to our house.

While debriefing the conversation, my sister-in-law said something that has really shifted the way that I think about curse words. What she told her kiddos that night was, “I would rather you say curse words than hurt words.” Which got me thinking about the ways that we police language, why we police language the way we do, and who does it harm when we punish those who fail to follow the rules of engagement. Additionally, while we are concentrating on keeping our seven year olds from saying something is bullsh*t — what language use is allowed in our spaces that we SHOULD be focusing on because it does actual harm in our communities?

The word profanity comes from the 16th century, and literally translates from the Latin to mean “unholy, not sacred, or not consecrated.” During a recent conversation with Transplaining Co-Founder and social-linguist Dr. AC Goldberg, he shared that:

The thought origins in censoring certain words is anchored in ‘sin’ which is why I don’t believe in removing language from any space by virtue. The punishment of the use of language then becomes a value judgment about a human who uses language in a way that our culture has determined to be inappropriate.

He went on to say that words should only be restricted:

IF they are used in an act of aggression/violence toward anyone, present or not, because violence and threats of violence are never tolerated. Weighting all words equally is very important because ANY word can be a weapon.”

It’s also really important to remember that the collection of words that are, or are not “to be uttered” varies greatly from culture to culture. When we police others’ language based on what white-dominant culture views as profanity we will in turn disproportionately be punishing folks who have different cultural understandings of language.

One of my favorite videos “How Micro-Aggressions are like Mosquito Bites” illustrates the compounded nature of micro-aggressions and includes a LOT of really harmful words that are often throwaway statements that folks make to people in marginalized populations. At one point, the narrator gets so frustrated that they say it is “Really F*cking Annoying!” I remember this getting shared at one point amongst camp professionals and multiple folks saying something to the effect of “this video is great BUT I could have done without the swearing. Now I cannot show this to my staff!”

This is a video that shows people saying things like, “Can I touch your hair?” to a woman of color, “Where are you REALLY from?” to another melanated human, and even touches on how micro-aggressions can lead to state-sanctioned violence and murder with accompanying statements like, “Looks like he was up to trouble… I felt threatened.” Truly heavy stuff. But the thought that the use of the word “f*ck” was the most problematic bit of speech in the video is exactly what I am asking us to examine. I am not saying that we should just start letting the “f-bombs” fly, but I am saying that we should consider it IF that means we can be more intentional about working thoughtfully to remove language that does harm others.

So what actions can we take?

1. Define what is and isn’t harmful. Use behavior management strategies accordingly.

Be thoughtful and transparent about the language and words that are allowed to be used at your camp. Also, remember there is a difference between “I am so effing tired” and “You are so effing stupid.” The “effing” part is not the problem. When harmful language IS used, address the harm accordingly, centering the person that was hurt by the words in a way that helps them feel like they have a resolution!

2. Help campers share what words make them feel hurt or unsafe.

During your cabin orientation, consider coming up with devices and scripts for campers to use when someone has used language (regardless of whether it includes the “big curses”) that makes them upset. This is another powerful conflict resolution skill that will empower them to speak up for what safety looks like for them, both in your program and once they are back in their school or home communities.

3. Remember that censoring non-harmful language doesn’t mean that language doesn’t get used. In some ways, it becomes MORE enticing.

Sometimes the best way to get past something that society has claimed as taboo is to just allow kids to experiment with it until they are bored. Nothing throws a group of ten years olds off like when they think it is SOO funny to joke about Uranus and then instead of shutting them down you make 5 additional jokes, each a little bit more shocking than the last. I am not talking about crossing the line into truly unsavory territory — I am just saying kids like to talk about weird stuff. The more we show them how that can be done safely, with age-appropriate boundaries, the less likely it is that we shut down natural exploratory dialogue.

Summing it up

While the “big curses” are mutually agreed upon in society to be words that are banned, I think we need to be thinking harder. We should be working as a group — a living, breathing, evolving group — to define what words are more suited to be off-limits than words that were deemed out of bound hundreds and possibly thousands of years ago. I would rather a frustrated kid shout “what the hell” into a void while frustrated than hear people use harmful words that we find in common speech like, “crazy,” “lame,” “stupid,” or “disgusting.” If we are more harshly punishing someone who uses the word “f*ck” than someone who uses the word “f*ggot,” our rules are not working to protect anyone. They are working to perpetuate archaic and outdated norms that don’t ultimately serve the purpose of building and maintaining a positive community.

Interested in learning more from Chris and The Summer Camp Society? Check out our seminars!