Dearest Fellow Straight White Dudes

Feb 2

Dearest Fellow Straight White Dudes,

We need to talk.

In the past several years we’ve seen an explosion of new voices speaking out to educate us and our industry about how we can be more just, inclusive, and welcoming to all people. Amazing organizations like OAAARS, Transplaining for Camps, S’more Melanin, and others are helping the industry become aware of the harms that our spaces have caused and how to grow into a place of welcoming and belonging for more people. Camps are beginning to take a hard look at old traditions and thoughtless assumptions about how and why we do the things we do. Many of us as individuals are trying to learn and grow by doing the painful work of reflecting on the injustices that we have helped perpetuate by our words and actions. This is incredible, important work, and it’s uplifting to see the industry beginning to confront it head on.

Zooming out and taking a look at all this in the big picture, I would argue that all of this growth and education comes in response to the framework that our society has been built on – namely, a society that values straight cisgender white men and those who choose to operate within and uphold that system. All of these individual causes - whether racial justice, gender equity, queer and trans inclusion, and others – are responses to a society that for far too long has ignored their voices and devalued their personhood. Every one of these voices is vitally important. But among all these courageous voices speaking to us about a better way, there is one group whose voice is noticeably silent.

It’s us, my guys.

Now, please don’t misunderstand me – as a group we’ve had the microphone for way, way too long. I’m not suggesting that our point of view needs to be heard, or that our voice is as important as those discussed above. The voices of marginalized people who are deeply affected by this work are the ones we need to listen to and learn from right now. (To that point, I had Chris, Simone, and others look over this essay for feedback!) What I am saying is that we need to start using our voices as active allies to speak up in situations where members of our own identity group (straight cis white men) continue to perpetuate harm. As leaders in our industry (whether we earned that leadership or not) and role models for boys and young men, it’s imperative that they see us actively demonstrating a healthier version of masculinity. It’s uncomfortable to speak up in those situations, to invite unwanted usually hostile attention on ourselves. But, I’d like to point out, we’re the only group who has that choice. We can choose to keep our heads down, avoid conflict, and continue to benefit from the system that does real harm to people, or we can use that privilege to choose to speak out on their behalf. As Desmond Tutu said, “If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.” We shouldn’t leave the work of undoing harm to those most victimized by them while nodding our heads and proclaiming support. It’s time we started choosing to be uncomfortable.

The good news in the camp world is that for the most part, most of us are already on our way towards this goal. Because of the nature of camp, to be a good leader we’ve needed to practice empathy, patience, active listening, deferring to others expertise, and seeking to create a place of belonging for everyone. It’s a great start, but it’s not enough. We need to start being vocal about healthier expressions of masculinity like affirming and experiencing a full range of emotions beyond only anger, listening more than we talk, or abandoning the “I’m in charge” mentality many of us have been socialized to uphold. If we don’t, we run the risk of losing the young men and boys who look up to us to the online presence of creators who are pushing a dark, harmful, archaic notion of masculinity that lionizes dominance, violence, and overt misogyny. By ignoring this responsibility or being satisfied with our individual efforts at growth and change we’re allowing the long-standing structures of inequity to continue to exist. Our neutrality and silence will only perpetuate the harms that so many people have been subject to for far, far, too long.

So I’m going to put my money where my mouth is. I intend for this to be the first in an ongoing series looking at the ways we harm, are harmed, and benefit from the status quo. I encourage those of you who have made it to the end to do the same. What better avenue, what better industry to take up the mantle of a healthier humanity than ours? We already care about the work. We already care about people. We already have the power within this system, all we need is the courage to speak, and the will to change.

In closing, I’d like to share this excerpt from the book The Will to Change by bell hooks. It’s a great first step on the journey of education about our responsibility as men.

For both men and women, Good Men can be somewhat disturbing to be around because they usually do not act in ways associated with typical men; they listen more than they talk; they self-reflect on their behavior and motives, they actively educate themselves about women’s reality by seeking out women’s culture and listening to women…. They avoid using women for vicarious emotional expression…. When they err—and they do err—they look to women for guidance, and receive criticism with gratitude. They practice enduring uncertainty while waiting for a new way of being to reveal previously unconsidered alternatives to controlling and abusive behavior. They intervene in other men’s misogynist behavior, even when women are not present, and they work hard to recognize and challenge their own. Perhaps most amazingly, Good Men perceive the value of a feminist practice for themselves, and they advocate it not because it’s politically correct, or because they want women to like them, or even because they want women to have equality, but because they understand that male privilege prevents them not only from becoming whole, authentic human beings but also from knowing the truth about the world…. They offer proof that men can change.